Torchwood seasons ranked

Outside the government, beyond the police and far better than its double-bill premier night would have you believe, Torchwood was the first TV Doctor Who spin-off, closely followed by The Sarah Jane Adventures. It's a series that's close to my heart, but it has definitely had its ups and downs. Here, we're going to look at which Torchwood seasons are the best and which are the worst.

6. Series 4 (Miracle Day)

I'm sure that it will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody that Miracle Day is at the bottom of the list, but I wish it didn't. Miracle Day is based on such a simple but brilliant concept - one day, everybody stops dying - and it's true that the series didn't explore it very well.

The most interesting part of Miracle Day is how society has to change to adapt to this new world, which is precisely why Dr Vera Juarez is one the best of the American newcomers: we get to see how hospital treatment has to change and hear about things like bodies becoming incubators for diseases. But that's just the problem. These ideas are introduced and immediately dismissed. They're just mentioned and not remotely explored.

A common complaint is that Miracle Day is "too American". And it's a perfectly valid complaint. The helicopter scene in The New World stands out as one that feels entirely misplaced in the world of Torchwood which has never relied on such spectacles. It's also double the length of Children of Earth, meaning that we get episode after episode of total filler that do nothing to further the plot. 

Whilst Gwen Cooper is as great as ever and it's lovely to see more of her parents and meet baby Anwen, Jack is sidelined for the entire series and our new Torchwood members - Rex and Esther - are nothing to write home about. Rex is more unpleasant than even Owen ever managed to be and Esther is about as interesting as a damp flannel. Jilly Kitzinger is a magnetic character that I enjoyed every minute of, but it's true that her and Oswald Danes's storyline is ultimately pointless.

Best episode: Immortal Sins. Rather telling that it has almost nothing to do with the Miracle.

Worst episode: End of the Road. Did anything happen in this one? Jack finds a null field panel and Nana Visitor dispenses a tonne of exposition in a thankless role before getting blown up. It's a write-off.

5. Series 1

Very rarely does Series 1 hint at the greatness that is to come. It's a shaky season which goes from mature and well-crafted (Random Shoes, Out of Time) to immature and nonsensical rubbish (Cyberwoman, End of Days) and everywhere in-between. 

In trying to be grown-up, Series 1 is frequently embarrassing, giving us sex gas and pterodactyls fighting Cyberwomen whilst the first series of The Sarah Jane Adventures sensitively covers topics like dementia. Our regulars are unlikeable, with John Barrowman unable to convince as the gruff and broody leader that the once fun Captain Jack Harkness has become and Owen being the worst human being alive whilst Ianto does very little, Tosh is entirely inaccessible and the initially likeable Gwen embarking on an affair that could make sense but doesn't.

However, there are times that Series 1 shines. Ghost Machine shows a glimmer of maturity in the early episodes before we're given Countrycide, a disturbing episode which brings together our disparate team and shows us that perhaps they can work together. Other than those, we have to suffer a lot of crap before getting to Random Shoes, the show's superior answer to Love & Monsters; Out of Time, a touching story where three people from the 1950s prove more relatable than our main cast ever are; and Captain Jack Harkness, which I'm sure everyone loves for Jack but which I rate highly for being a good showing for Tosh. Better than Greeks Bearing Gifts.

Best episode: Out of Time. The aliens are ditched in favour of a quiet affair with a plane from the 1950s landing on a 2000s runway and shows us how the three aboard adapt to our world.

Worst episode: Tough one. Cyberwoman has gone down in notoriety, but the abysmal End of Days is a close second.

4. Series 2

Series 2 might only be one place above Series 1, but between them is a gulf, this series ironing out some of the worst qualities of the first. Ianto has a personality (even if it is a different one every week) and Owen is no longer the most obnoxious man this side of the Severn Bridge, the trilogy dealing with his death giving us some well-needed insight to the character. Fragments does this to varying effect with each member of Torchwood (bar Gwen) and is a standout episode, although it does seem an odd choice to leave Tosh and Owen's origin story until the episode before they die.

This series gives us Dr Martha Jones, a character that I did not especially warm to in Doctor Who but here, separated from the Doctor that she pined for, she is a revelation. Unfortunately, she's only properly utilised in Reset, being wasted in her other two appearances, but she brings out the fun side of Jack that has mostly been missing in Torchwood in favour of John Barrowman acting butch.

Most of the embarrassing attempts at being grown-up have been left behind, but the series isn't perfect. Gwen being far more likeable but a love triangle springing out of nowhere between her, Jack and Rhys but fortunately this little subplot is quite easy to ignore. Gray makes for a dull villain and we still get the occasional clunker like Owen's "Let's all have sex" in Sleeper. All in all, though, this is a big improvement on the first series.

Best episode: Adrift. Are we sure Chibnall wrote this?

Worst episode: Exit Wounds. A mess of an episode which still manages to end rather well, with Owen and Tosh's heartbreaking deaths.

3. Series 5 (Aliens Among Us)

Now we get to the first audio series. As their placement in this list will tell you, the Big Finish continuation contains some of the very best Torchwood stories. Reintroducing us to Torchwood with new characters Tyler, Mr Colchester, Ng and Orr whilst bringing back Jack, Gwen, Rhys, Andy and (SPOILER ALERT) Yvonne Hartman, Aliens Among Us finds the middle ground between the episode Series 1 and 2 and the overarching stories of Children of Earth and Miracle Day.

In terms of our new characters, Tyler is a flawed individual that is never remotely as detestable as early Owen and Mr Colchester is a wonderful addition and a subversion of the young and sexy team members we've had before. Orr is not utilised especially well during this series, being given precious little to do but Samantha Beart always knocking it out of the park, going from laugh-out-loud hilarious to tear-inducing in a moment.

It's unfortunate about Eve Myles's availability but Alexandria Riley is a stellar actress and lessens the feeling of Gwen's absence. Similarly, Jack has periods of absence or playing only a tiny role, perhaps due to him being in the US? Thank God, then, for Tracy-Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman. We really did not know what we were missing when Yvonne died in Doomsday. She is outstanding.

Best episode: Zero Hour. Spoiler alert - the Tim Foley episodes are all great.

Worst episode: Escape Room isn't bad, but it's easily the weakest, perhaps because escape rooms by their nature don't translate well to audio.

2. Series 6 (God Among Us)

Just when you thought Big Finish couldn't do any better, they manage it. The Sorvix are quickly written out, which was for the best as they never really went anywhere, and our overarching story instead involves Jacqueline King (AKA Sylvia Noble) as God, a truly inspired casting decision. Of course God is a Scottish woman who likes tea and sandwiches.

Tyler gets his redemption and Orr is given far more to do than in the last series, becoming one of, if not the, most important characters. The strange coupling of Yvonne and Andy oddly works, the writing and acting being very convincing. We're also joined by Norton Folgate, who first appeared in Ghost Mission and is always hilarious, giving us some great material in Another Man's Shoes. 

Best episode: Hostile Environment. A devastating story about the important issue of homelessness in Cardiff.

Worst episode: This series doesn't have a bad one. Perhaps the least interesting is Eye of the Storm which gets us from A to B but offers little else.

1. Series 3 (Children of Earth)

Obviously.

Living Legend review [Scott Gray]

"Did you notice those devices attached to their belts? The ones that resemble guns."
"Yes. What are they?"
"Guns."

The Plot: The world faces imminent destruction when Italy wins the World Cup! Can the fabled Time Lady Charleyostiantayshius save humanity from the dreaded Threllip Empire, or will her idiot assistant, the Doctor, ruin everything?

The Doctor's Case: November 2003, a month that commemorated the fortieth year since An Unearthly Child was broadcast on BBC TV one Saturday. Doctor Who was kept alive by Big Finish - as well as the books and comics - which took the Eighth Doctor from the very American world of the TV film, paired him up with a wonderfully English companion and continued the Doctor's adventures. A cliff-hanger in June 2002 had fans on their toes for eighteen months as they awaited the anniversary story, Zagreus. It was a mess.

Living Legend was free with Doctor Who Magazine, on a disc containing a documentary for Zagreus and is, in many ways, far better. It's a very short story at only 22 minutes but doesn't try to be anything other than what it is - a bit of fluff, and a welcome bit after a relatively poor run of Eighth Doctor stories. Neverland was an epic but when was the last time we got to see the Doctor and Charley have fun and enjoy themselves? The Stones of Venice? It's a refreshing change of pace and a reminder, if one's needed, of how delightful Paul McGann and India Fisher can be together when given the opportunity.

The story is effectively a sketch. The Threllips (with their Bristolian accents) are setting up a portal that will unleash an army upon Earth and are met by the Doctor, a humble transcriber, and the Most Exalted Time Lady Charleyostiantayshius, a hilarious parody of the ridiculously long names of some Time Lords. The Doctor and Charley are quick on their feet and defeat them through flattery, getting them drunk, telling them that World Cup Fever is contagious causing an argument between the two. There's never any threat but that's not important. It's just a fun listen.

The Valeyard's Case: It's difficult to imagine the Threllips conquering one planet, let alone several.

The Best Bit: Whenever Charley is pretending to be a Time Lord. A favourite exchange is: "You must feel very fortunate to work so closely with such a great figure." / "Oh, yes. I often wonder what I did to deserve it."

The Databank:

• The Doctor says that he hasn't seen celebrations on the same scale as the 1982 World Cup since VE (Victory in Europe) Day.

The Timeline: There isn't very much to go on, but it must be set between Charley's first trip in Sword of Orion and Neverland.

From Your Past... or Future: Lucie Miller would later claim that the Doctor was her bumbling assistant in Immortal Beloved. 

The Inquisitor's Judgement: Living Legend is a tiny story that's easy to overlook or forget about and hardly sets the world on fire. For a pair that endures a number of weak stories early on, has their relationship practically fall apart and require rebuilding, it's a welcome reminder of how fun the Eighth Doctor and Charley can be. It's never going to end up on anyone's Top 10 lists but it is what it is - 22 minutes of Paul McGann and India Fisher showing off their chemistry and making us laugh, showing that the Doctor Who universe isn't always bleak or tedious. Sometimes, the Doctor and his companion just get to have fun, and so do we. A

Changes Everything review [James Goss]

I think that the sign of a real fan is the ability to enjoy a show whilst still being able to make fun and criticise it. I absolutely adore Torchwood and can readily admit that a significant portion of the first two series was substandard TV, sometimes with good ideas but ruined by juvenile humour, trying way too hard to be "adult" and horrible character choices (looking at you, Gwen and Owen) making for a group of unlikeable characters engaging in unsubtle and silly stories.

Let me reiterate that I absolutely adore the show, because despite its faults it managed to produce some stellar television that was touching, sophisticated and really down-to-earth. It hit its stride with the last few episodes of series 2 and produced the extraordinary Children of Earth and epic (if stretched) Miracle Day. It is such a shame that the show ended when it had really found itself. Thank God for Big Finish.

The New Torchwood

This is a fresh start for Torchwood and its name (a play on the first episode, Everything Changes) invites comparison to the earliest episodes of the show. Just as was done with the soft reboot of Miracle Day, we're introduced to new characters. Don't worry - they're better than Rex and Esther.

We're introduced to Tyler Steele, an overconfident and sexually-charged journalist looking to redeem his career after being disgraced. We are reintroduced to Torchwood Cardiff through his eyes just as we first met the group through Gwen. Tyler can be thought of as an anti-Gwen - whilst she was supposed to be the heart of the show (we'll ignore her disgusting affair with Owen and shameful pining for Jack), Tyler is a dick. And he works perfectly. He's the sort of person you would hate to know in real life but makes for a good flawed protagonist in that he's open and accessible in a way that Dr Owen Harper was rarely allowed to be onscreen.

We don't see as much of Mr Colchester, but he's fine. An old civil servant is just the sort of character that can shake up the dynamic of Torchwood and admonish any of the other members for engaging in the sexual immorality they all got up to early in the show. He's gay, which makes me wonder if Owen the only straight man to ever work for the organisation and what it is about being LGBT that attracts you to alien-fighting.

As for the oldies, Jack has, thankfully, not completely reverted back to the cold and inhuman leader that he so often was for the first two series and is written somewhere between that and the more relatable and likeable Jack of Children of Earth and Miracle Day. He's having sex, standing on roofs overlooking Cardiff and fighting aliens - what more could you want from him?

It's a shame that Eve Myles's role in Aliens Among Us is practically non-existent, but Alexandria Riley makes a very good Gwen Cooper. They sound enough alike that it's very easy to imagine her as Gwen rather than as an impressionist or stand-in. My initial reaction to the reveal at the end that Riley has been playing Gwen made me very worried that Gwen had been recast, so I was very pleased to learn what we do in future stories.

The Plot

Children of Earth began just before the 456 stopped all of the children. Miracle Day began with the Miracle. Aliens Among Us starts much later than both of these series, with Cardiff long since having been taken over by aliens. We're introduced to controversial and relevant issues like racism, immigration and refugees. It's an interesting approach that fills us with questions - who's taken over, how and why? It's a far looser arc than the aforementioned series but these questions are, of course, answered as it plays out.

Changes Everything can't just introduce the arc, though. It has to have its own self-contained story to avoid being forgettable and as more of a prologue than an actual story, much like Everything Changes was. (The story just wasn't all that good and we really didn't get to know Suzie well enough.) We have Tyler's attempted assassination at the beginning of the story, reintroducing Torchwood and learning about what's happened in Cardiff and then discovering and stopping the would-be assassin before a sad ending where Tyler is rejected by Torchwood.

A Good Quotation

"Tyler Steele, keep yourself in shape?" 

"Yeah."

"Weights or cardio?"

"Hot yoga and crossfit."

"A bit London but it'll have to do."

This Reminds Me...

Didn't we get pretty much the same Gwen driving scene in More Than This? Not that I'm complaining.

I'll Explain Later

How come Tyler doubts the existence of aliens? Has he never been in London at Christmas? Did the 456 incident and the Miracle pass him by? I know the Miracle wasn't alien but you'd think it would open people's minds a bit.

The Judgement

Is this a story that will set your world on fire? No, of course not, but it's a great start for Aliens Among Us, introducing us to an intriguing post-Miracle Cardiff and a brand new Torchwood that's had its base blown up and that's matured greatly before returning. This is the type of story that Everything Changes should have been. Long live Torchwood! B

The Trial of a Time Machine review [Andy Lane]

We've had the Doctor sit before a court in Trial of a Time Lord. We've had the Valeyard switch from the prosecutor's chair to the defendant's in Trial of the Valeyard. We've had Romana sit before the Inquisitor in The Inquiry. Continuing the theme of anything Gallifreyan facing legal action, The Seventh Doctor: The New Adventures begins with The Trial of a Time Machine. Now we're just waiting on The Summary Hearing of Susan Foreman.

The Doctor's Case
The TARDIS being on trial is a novel idea and arguably the main draw of this box set, aside from seeing original Big Finish stories with Chris and Roz. After all, how can a box be put on trial? The answer is that the people of Thrantas believe that, given that the ship has some sentience, it's responsible for its actions. Unlike in Trial of a Time Lord and Trial of the Valeyard, the actual hearing itself isn't the main nor the most interesting part of the story.

What the trial does allow for is some understated exploration of the Doctor's relationship with the TARDIS. It's something we've seen a lot more of in the modern series (especially Eleventh with The Doctor's Wife) but very little with the classic Doctors beyond Sixth and Eighth referring to it as "Old Girl". Here we get a fascinating idea - given that the TARDIS has sentience, has the Doctor enslaved it by stealing it from Gallifrey and flying away? It's something that he worries about in a particularly poignant moment at the end of the story. You'd be forgiven for thinking that Big Finish had run out of new ideas and facets to show of the "old" Doctors but this isn't the case. This might be one of my favourite Seventh moments despite how subtle and short it is. His pained reaction to the TARDIS's sentence is another standout moment.

The cancelled novel adaptations range was cancelled for lack of an adequate number of sales, so it seems a number of listeners might not be too aware of companions Chris Cwej and Roz Forrester. My only exposure to them so far has been Cold Fusion. The story wisely gives them a reintroduction, letting us know their background as law enforcers through natural and believable dialogue rather than espousing exposition. They clearly haven't been travelling with the Doctor for long given that he's almost training them, getting them to assess where they've landed based on what they can see.

The story begins with an intelligent but uncomplicated discussion on the nature of law and universal truths, which I (a third year law student with an interest in legal theory) wasn't expecting and thoroughly enjoyed. We also get criticism of black letter law that doesn't account for different circumstances or how harmful an act actually is to society in the short- and long-term. In fact, acts on Thrantas may or may not be a crime depending on the impact it has on the public.

Again, you might think that we'd run out of things to learn about the Doctor but clearly that isn't the case - he believes that what is right and what is wrong is dependent on where you are and what the norms are there. It would have been easy (and dull) for the Doctor to say that there is inherent black-and-white morality but instead Lane goes for something arguably more controversial. Perhaps I'm reading into this too much.

The Valeyard's Case
The nature of law and ethics was my favourite part of this story and I was looking forward to seeing what was going to happen to Thrantas after the Magistrum was released... but we didn't get any of that. Has the Doctor destroyed justice on Thrantas? We have no idea, which is a huge shame and an unfortunate consequence of this being a fifty minute story rather than a Main Range release. For that matter, perhaps I missed something but I have no idea what the TARDIS was trying to teach the crew.

Chris and Roz might be given a soft reintroduction but the scenes with them off on their own are easily the weakest of the story. The plot just isn't all that interesting and, if this is to present Chris and Roz for a wider audience after the unfortunate failure of the novel adaptations, we could have done with them taking a larger role that shows them in a more dynamic light. This is nitpicking, though.

Not a gripe with this story per se but what was wrong with Seventh's TV theme? Why did they make a new one for the novel adaptations?

I'll Explain Later

• The Doctor says that the TARDIS is incapable of communication. However, not only have we seen it communicate through beeps and boops in Clara and the TARDIS, but it's used a voice interface in Zagreus (as the Brigadier), Let's Kill Hitler (as Amy) and Hide (as Clara).

The Inquisitor's Judgement
A weird idea plus interesting things to say is a perfect recipe for Doctor Who and a decent start to this volume. The discussion of legal theory and the Doctor's worry that he's enslaved the TARDIS are standout themes, but the fifty minute format means that the ending feels somewhat rushed and the question of whether or not the Doctor was right to free the Magistrum is never brought up. Still, this is a good story and earns itself a B.

The Seventh Doctor: The New Adventures - Volume 1

The Trial of a Time Machine  |  Vanguard  |  The Jabari Countdown  |  The Dread of Night

Sword of Orion review [Nicholas Briggs]

Sword of Orion might have been a pretty good story if it was released in the '60s. Unfortunately, by 2001 we'd seen this story a dozen times over. After the exciting freshness of Storm Warning it was important to show that Paul McGann was a modern Doctor for the modern listener, but Nicholas Briggs instead chose to remake an old fan story and show that McGann can follow the same tried-and-tested plotlines that the other Doctors have already done. It lacks ambition.

The Eighth Doctor goes up against the Cybermen in order to solidify McGann as a Doctor rather than because it was an interesting story. It's the same technique that Moffat would later do with Matt Smith (who fought the Daleks in his third episode) and Peter Capaldi (who fought the Daleks in his second episode). What do all these stories have in common? They're not that good, existing almost because the Doctor needs to go up against one of the big bads in order to be accepted.

The plot itself involves an abandoned space-station, the awakening of the Cybermen, antagonistic humans who think they can make a deal with them, blah blah blah... The guest cast are your usual Doctor Who stock characters: predictable, one-note and lacking any real colour. It's an unwelcome combination of The Tomb of the Cybermen and Earthshock. The story isn't offensively bad, but it's boring - arguably the worst thing Doctor Who can be. 

The previous story did a great job of introducing the Doctor and Charley with a script paired with convincing performances that made them both feel like breathing, warm-blooded characters. Sword of Orion does away with all of that personality and makes the pair entirely interchangeable with any other Doctor-companion duo. The dialogue and characterisation is completely generic and at a time that we should be getting to know this new Doctor, his dialogue shouldn't feel as though it could belong to any one of his predecessors. The adventure-thirsty Charley too has become more subdued and reactionary. They're hardly a pair that get you rooting for them in this story.

The Inquisitor's Judgement

Charley's first adventure in the TARDIS proves to be a disappointing affair, providing all the traditional elements of classic Who in a story that unfolds almost by rote. Storm Warning wasn't a perfect story but its characterisation was spot-on, its plot and setting new and exciting and it began the Eighth Doctor's adventures with a real sense of forwardness and invigoration. Sword of Orion, however, is by-the-numbers, tried-and-tested, been-there-done-that Who. It's an atrocious story and earns itself an F.

The Main Range - The Eighth Doctor

Storm Warning  |  Sword of Orion  |  The Stones of Venice

The Mark of the Rani review [Pip and Jane Baker]

The Doctor goes to the year - umm, see below - and encounters the Master (disguised as a scarecrow for reasons), the Rani (armed with an interesting spec and some of the worst dialogue) and a cavalcade of incomprehensible Englishmen. And to top it off, he's accompanied by Peri.

When and Where: The "where" is Killingworth, England. The "when" is a little more complicated. As Thomas Liddell is Lord Ravensworth at this point, this story must take place after 17th July 1821. Humphry Davy died on 28th May, 1829 and is to be in attendance of the meeting at Killingworth, meaning that this is before 29th May 1829. The season is clearly autumn, so this story takes place in an autumn between 1821 and 1828.

In terms of subjective timelines, for the Doctor and Peri this is at some point between Vengeance on Varos and The Two Doctors. For the Master it's between Winter and The Ultimate Foe and for the Rani it's some time before Time and the Rani.

The Doctor's Case:

• A Good Quotation:
• "What's he up to now? It'll be something devious and over-complicated. He'd get dizzy if he tried to walk in a straight line."
• "They're carnivores. What harm have the animals in the fields done them? The rabbits they snare, the sheep they nourish to slaughter. Do they worry about the lesser species when they sink their teeth into a lamb chop?" It's hardly groundbreaking but for a Pip and Jane script this is practically poetry.
• What is Peri's character spec? After you've listed American, whiny and supremely unfashionable, all you have left is "botanist". Like Mel after her, who despite being a computer programmer never exercised any real skill with computers on TV, Peri almost never gets the chance to show any knowledge in her supposed field. This is one such example, where Peri gets to talk about the native plants and animals and, for a short amount of time, feels like she has had experiences outside of her tenure as a companion. It's important that companions get the opportunity to show individual skills that we've not seen from their predecessors. It makes them less interchangeable.
  
• We've had the suave Master, the trickster that is the Monk and the power-hungry War Chief. The latest addition to the ever-increasing list of renegade Time Lords is the Rani. Like the Monk, she isn't evil - she's a chemist who's pursuing scientific research to quench her own professional curiosity, but without any morality or care for her test subjects. It's a far more interesting stance than the pantomime Ainley Master and makes her one of the more notable villains of the recent seasons.
• The Rani's TARDIS is beautiful but has the side effect of making the Doctor's and the Master's TARDISes look incredibly basic as a result. Couldn't the Doctor have made off in this one at the end?
• Horrifically unnatural dialogue isn't Pip and Jane's only forte: they're also very good at writing the Sixth Doctor, which they will do again in Terror of the Vervoids and The Ultimate Foe.

The Valeyard's Case:

• A Bad Quotation: Pip and Janeisms:
• "You suspect another motive?" Are we sure this is Peri? It must be some sort of switch like Amy's Flesh avatar in series 6.
• "Spare me the dubious pragmatism."
• "Fortuitous would be a more apposite epithet!"
• "Murderous would be more apt." Definitely not Peri.
• "Who's this brat?"
• "Doctor? Do you get his drift?"
• "Finito TARDIS. How's that for style?"
• "All the way down. To the bottom."
• "Grandiose schemes of ruling the universe will mean nothing if that dilettante Doctor is still at large."
• "Now perhaps you'll accept there are more things in heaven and earth than are ever dreamed of in your barren philosophy."
• "I'm a scientist. I've calculated the odds, and they and not idiotic pride dictate my actions." / "You intellectual microbe."
• The dodgy accents of the English working class are often incomprehensible. It's truly terrible and makes the admittedly believable setting lose any and all credibility.
• One of the more interesting parts of this story is Miasimia Goria, a planet over which the Rani reigns and whose people are restless and aggressive because of her experiments. What are we doing in a dull Industrial Revolution village filled with accents less convincing than Nicola Bryant's when this is going on? A sleepless and lawless planet is infinitely more interesting a setting.
• Another plotline, albeit a retread of The King's Demons, is the Master deciding to change the course of history upon learning of the gathering in Killingworth. Unlike Miasimia Goria, this has absolutely no bearing on the story and is very quickly forgotten about.
• Peri's dress is vile. Truly, truly vile.
• The violence of the Luddites is wholly unconvincing, with the tapping of the chain the Doctor clings to in the pit being particularly awful.
• Another TARDIS malfunction?
• This story was so boring that it's taken more than a month to write this.

I'll Explain Later:

• Kew Gardens wasn't open until 1840. Why was the Doctor trying to land there in the 1820s? And why in the autumn when the outdoor gardens would be much less impressive?
• Why is the Master a scarecrow and what does he have against birds? In fact, what's he doing in the 1820s in the first place?
• How does the Rani know about the events of Planet of Fire and the Master's supposed end?
• Why does the Master refer to the Doctor's time machine as "the TARDIS"?
• What was Peri thinking pushing the Doctor down the hill?
• How come the Doctor's key can open the Rani's TARDIS?

His Constant Companion: The Master kills a dog and a man with his Tissue Compression Eliminator. One of the peasants falls down the well. The Master kills one of the Rani's assistants. The Rani kills three of her goons.

This Reminds Me...:

• We visit Miasimia Goria in Planet of the Rani.

The Inquisitor's Judgement: It's been almost two months since I reviewed Vengeance on Varos. Why has it been so long? Because The Mark of the Rani was so boring and so awful that I found myself no longer enjoying writing reviews and almost stopped completely. Gosh, is it bad. The Rani is a good idea but this story is plagued with elements that go nowhere, atrocious dialogue, poor performances and a complete lack of any sparkle. I might have to rethink my position as a season 22 apologist. As a Sixth Doctor fan, this is embarrassing. This story is terrible and earns itself an F.

Doctor Who (Season 22)

Vengeance on Varos  |  The Mark of the Rani  |  The Two Doctors

In Remembrance review [Guy Adams]

When an alarm is triggered at Coal Hill Academy, Quill and Charlie encounter a mysterious intruder prowling around school premises. Worse, they also encounter a Dalek. Their only hope of survival lies with the stranger: a woman who calls herself 'Ace'...

When: 2016 and 1963.

The Doctor's Case:

• The best moment of this story would have to be when Quill talks about how she used to think of herself as a hero, but that now she's nothing in a world full of people she hates.

The Valeyard's Case:

• A Bad Quotation:
• "How's that for technology, you arrogant, stupid, tinned racist!?"
• The best thing about School Reunion isn't that Sarah Jane Smith came back but that she'd changed and grown since leaving the Doctor. She's built a new life and isn't the young companion that she once was. Unfortunately, Dorothy McShane isn't any different to the younger Ace we've had in so many audio dramas - she doesn't sound any different than in, say, Earth Aid. It's a shame because I was looking forward to getting to see something new from Ace, but whilst School Reunion left you wanting more of Sarah and even spawned The Sarah Jane Adventures, In Remembrance does nothing for Ace.
• Most of the story is set in 2016 with Dorothy and Quill talking and interacting with the Dalek, sidelining the arguably more interesting story of Charlie being stuck in a battleground in 1963. It's something we barely see and given how time travel isn't a theme of Class, I would have thought they'd have made the most of it.

Honours Roll: Daleks get blown up in 1963.

I'll Explain Later:

• How come Quill knows so much about the Daleks whilst Charlie doesn't?

This Reminds Me...:

• The events of Remembrance of the Daleks are an important part of this story.
• Charlie suggests running up stairs to escape the Dalek. Rose tried this in Dalek.
• A Charitable Earth was mentioned in Death of the Doctor.
• Ace mentions the Bandrils from Timelash and Fenric from The Curse of Fenric.

The Inquisitor's Judgement: Considering this was the one I was looking forward to the most, I was left disappointed, especially by Dorothy who doesn't seem to have changed or grown much at all since being returned to Earth by Braxiatel. Quill was good, as usual, and Charlie's scenes in 1963 were far too short and infrequent. However, this was still an okay story and deserves a C.

Class: The Audio Adventures - Volume 2

Everybody Loves Reagan  |  Now You Know...  |  In Remembrance

Life Experience review [Jenny Colgan]

After signing up for work experience at Sevelin Laboratories, Tanya and Ram find themselves thrust into the world of medical research. But dark secrets lie at the heart of Sevelin Industries – and not everyone can make it out alive...

When?: 2016.

The Doctor's Case:

• Ram's fine, I guess.

The Valeyard's Case:

• The guest characters have nothing to them, being uninteresting scientists and authority figures. Yawn. I've seen a lot of praise for Marty
• It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's a curious choice to have Ram appear as part of a duo twice in a row in Class's first volume.

Honours Roll: Marta killed Boris using a pathogen. She's later killed by the specimen. I kind of phased out during a lot of this story and didn't note any others.

This Reminds Me...:

• Lu Corfield played Brongwyn in Aliens & Sex & Chips & Gravy; Scott Haran played Malfi Pryn in The Year After I Died and Liz Sutherland-Lim played Alison Speer in Winter for the Adept, Farroll in Wirrn Dawn and Ling in Sympathy for the Devil.

The Inquisitor's Judgement: Before Big Finish got their hands on Class, the only character I couldn't rant about was Matteusz because he was far too likeable and in the background. Conversely, Tanya was probably the one that I disliked the most, finding her unpleasant in her talk about "the whites" and irritating in general. Rather than going for a character-driven story like the other two stories in Volume 1, Colgan gives us a monster-escapes-lab tale that we've seen and heard a hundred times before. It's dreadfully boring and I have little else to say. It earns itself an E.

Class: The Audio Adventures - Volume 1

Gifted  |  Life Experiences  |  Tell Me You Love Me

Gifted review [Roy Gill]

When a talent scout arrives in Shoreditch, Ram sees an opportunity to further his goals, whilst April strikes up a friendship with new boy, Thomas Laneford. Their choices draw all three to Carterhaugh House – but who is the mysterious Mab that waits for them there...?

When?: Ram and April are together, so this takes place between Co-Owner of a Lonely Heart and The Lost. It's 2016.

The Doctor's Case:

• A Good Quotation:
• "I've got all the grace of a drunk hyena."
• "She even took my phone. Do you know how dull it is just sitting?"
• The April-Ram relationship was an extraordinarily weak part of the TV show. It was difficult to buy into the impassioned love-making of Co-Owner of a Lonely Heart and the relationship that followed with Ram being unlikeable and April being boring. There seemed no reason at all that these two characters would like each other and they had next-to-no chemistry during their solo adventure in Brave-ish Heart. That's where Big Finish comes in, restoring the intelligence that April had early on in the show before it was sacrificed for Tanya's genius (a fourteen year old hacking Kate Stewart's UNIT?) whilst jettisoning the silly heart-sharing device and smoothing out Ram's edges a little and showing some kindness to Tom. They tease one another.
• Mysterious and unusual new kid at school is a tried and tested trope that was inevitably going to be used at some point in Class. Rhys Isaac-Jones's Tom is a sympathetic and likeable enough character that shares an interesting relationship with April, quickly bonding with her over poetry. I choose to believe that the reveal that he's from 1967 isn't supposed to be a twist because it was far too obvious.

The Valeyard's Case:

• A Bad Quotation:
• "Don't you recognise class when you see it?"
• Sophie Hopkins starts off sounding a little awkward and uncomfortable with the audio format.

Roll of Honours: Tom is aged by Mab and then killed by her using vines.

I'll Explain Later:

• Were Ram and April ever this close in the TV show?
  
  

This Reminds Me...:

• April says "just biscuits", a line delivered by a Russian lady in Thin Ice that I quote a lot in what I like to believe is a good impression.
• Deirdre Mullins previously played Effenish in The Very Dark Thing, Naomi Davies in Charlotte Pollard: Series 2 and Osen in Beneath the Viscoid.

The Inquisitor's Judgement: I will never pretend that I was a fan of Class. I watched it out of loyalty to Doctor Who and a fondness for Katherine Kelly and I never looked forward to watching it. The Metaphysical Engine, or What Quill Did was definitely the best episode and the only characters I had any fondness for were Matteusz, Ram and Quill, although the latter two could frequently be unpleasant. However, I bought both volumes of Class: The Audio Adventures because I have faith that Big Finish can take the ideas and characters from the flawed show, streamline them and colour them in and make a decent audio series. My optimism was, as I expected, well-founded with even April being a believable and interesting character rather than the sword-wielding cipher from the show. Like with the Torchwood Main Range, the characters are given time to shine and develop by limiting the number in a story and letting them share some chemistry. There's a solid plot, some great characterisation and a memorable villain. The Audio Adventures is looking like it might be Class's Children of Earth. Gifted is good and earns itself a B.

Class: The Audio Adventures - Volume 1

Gifted  |  Life Experiences  |  Tell Me You Love Me

Vengeance on Varos review [Philip Martin]

The Varosians are a people bordering on destitution, kept in abeyance by the government's endless stream of televised torture and executions. But then the Doctor and Peri land on Varos, looking for a precious mineral the worth of which the people of Varos don't have the faintest idea, and Sil of the Galatron Mining Corporation will do anything to keep it that way.

When and Where: Early 24th century Varos (assuming Peri is right in saying that the guest cast were all born almost 300 years after 1984). For the Doctor and Peri this isn't long after Attack of the Cybermen, although they've had the time to visit the frozen plains of Yuin 9, and is an indeterminate amount of time before The Mark of the Rani. For Sil this is a number of years before Mission to Magnus.

The Doctor's Case:

• A Good Quotation:
• "This governor calls a punch-in every time he wants to change his trousers. The sooner he gets ruled out, the better." / "What would the next one do different?" / "Everything. Anything."
• "You've only got one life. You'll age here in the Tardis and then die. Me, I shall go on regenerating until all my lives are spent."
• "He's the worst governor we've had since. Well, since-" "Since the last one?"
• "I find the G-forces of this Varos-size world quite excessive."
• "If we can obtain enough Zeiton-7 to realign the transpower system, the TARDIS will be like... Well, as she was."
• "Sil's language transposer has an eccentric communication circuit, but don't tell him. It's my only amusement."
• "The cameras are still functioning…let the show begin. I want to hear them scream until I’m deaf with pleasure. To see their limbs twist in excruciating agony. Ultimately their blood must gush and flow along the gutters of Varos. The whole planet must delight in their torture and death."
• "And that, fellow citizens of Varos, is my vowed intention. For without justice and peace and tolerance, we have no future. I know you will all work as hard as I shall for a glorious tomorrow. Thank you for allowing me into your homes. Thank you."
• It's a dystopian world so there's an oppressive government. The two things go hand-in-hand. This episode, however, subverts this expectation by having the Governor be the real victim of both the elite and the populace - the elite manipulate him for their own agendas and the public are able to physically punish him if they disagree with him. It's an original idea and provides some very good political commentary, with Arak hating whoever is governor and saying that everything they're doing is wrong. Each Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is treated the same way, being called the worst the country's had and saying that their successor should do everything differently. Having us sympathise with the Governor is one of those clever things that Doctor Who does sometimes that deserves so much more recognition than it gets.
  
• Before we had Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways, we had reality TV as a theme in Vengeance on Varos. It's a chilling prediction of the future in the same way as the film Shock Treatment is, with the people of Varos living their lives glued to screens and, when reality TV is taken from them, they don't know what to do. The existence of reality TV has taken away the Varosians' need to have their own lives and they're (almost entirely) happy with that. Arak and Etta are a great addition to the script showing us all what we ourselves do, like complaining about things baselessly and without any thought.
• Every now and then in Doctor Who, we get breakout villains that are too good not to return. The Daleks, the Cybermen, the Ice Warriors, the Great Intelligence, the Silurians, the Sontarans, Davros... and now Sil. He's not nearly as dangerous of any of the aforementioned but he's a character afforded a great deal of funny dialogue and extraordinarily well-performed by Nabil Shaban, providing his iconic and unusual laugh. His costume, too, is one of the more memorable and inspired of recent seasons. My boyfriend might hate him for reasons I don't understand, but I doubt many people were surprised when Sil's return was hastily pencilled in for season 23. He's a great character here and his return in Mindwarp is a welcome one.
• I can understand a lot of the reasons why a significant portion of the Doctor Who fanbase don't like the Sixth Doctor's criminally brief era, but one that I will never accept is saying that Colin Baker can't act. The cliff-hanger to episode one is one of my favourites of all time and it's almost definitely the best of this season, with the Doctor crawling on the floor rapidly dehydrating. It's a very convincing performance of what could easily have been embarrassing and ineffective in the hands of another actor - he really does convince that he's dying, even though we know he obviously won't.
• A common complaint about this story is the acidbath scene, but I couldn't disagree more. The Doctor clearly had no intention of killing either of the guards, with the first being accidentally pushed by the second and the second being pulled in by the first. Perhaps his James Bond one-liner was a little blasé, but the deaths were an accident and there's a look of revulsion on his face as he watches them dissolve.
  

The Valeyard's Case:

• A Bad Quotation:
• "You even managed to burn dinner last night." / "I have never said I was perfect." / "If you recall, last night I was supposed to have a cold supper." Is this humour?
• "I think he needs more than water, Peri, eh?" / "Like cyanide." Chill out, Peri. 
• The Sixth Doctor has a number of obstacles in the way of winning the confidence and hearts of the audience already, what with his outlandish costume, his brashness and the memory of The Twin Dilemma. Having Peri list a numerous off-screen examples of his incompetence just makes it that much more difficult to believe that this is the Time Lord we know and love and that Attack of the Cybermen did a reasonably good job of proving. He's caused electrical fires, a total power failure, a near-collision with asteroids, gotten lost in the TARDIS corridors, wiped the memory of the flight computer, jettisoned three-quarters of the storage hold and burnt dinner, all since leaving Telos. His calling Peri by a number of his previous companions' names (as mentioned in Attack of the Cybermen) can be forgiven since he'd only recently regenerated, but these continued examples of his idiocy hardly a Doctor make. The Eleventh Doctor not knowing the intricacies of the TARDIS console (as seen in The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone and The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon) is funny, shows us how good River is as piloting the ship and is forgivable because, despite his inelegance, he too can fly it and isn't incompetent.
• Arguably one of the biggest issues with season 22 and the forty-five minute format is that it takes the length of your average classic Who episode for the Doctor and Peri to arrive at their destination. They hang around in the console room, bicker and then encounter some sort of problem with the TARDIS as the script writer struggles for reasons to keep the pair from this week's setting before finally arriving twenty-five minutes in. It allows for the world to be explored in their absence and for the setting to be properly and fully established before the TARDIS lands, but is it really impossible to do that with the Doctor and Peri there? The TARDIS isn't an impressive set and having it feature so much with so few things of interest happening in them almost takes the magic of the TARDIS away. It becomes too domestic and regular.
  
• We're told that the Varosian elite are living in luxury by Areta and that discovering this is why Jondar is being tortured. However, we see nothing of this, with the scenes of the Governor and his Chief Officer being set in locations just as dingy and depressing as those with Arak and Etta. If we're to believe this we really have to see it, otherwise there seems to be little if any class divide between the descendants of the guards and those of the inmates.
• In Attack of the Cybermen the Doctor killed a number of Cybermen, one using his sonic lance and the others with a cyber-gun. These can be excused by the fact that the Earth and the billions of people who lived there (as well as the sleeping Silurians) were at risk of total annihilation. What I do take issue with is the Doctor setting up the laser in this episode in such a way that the guards could easily (and do) walk into it accidentally and die.

I'll Explain Later:

• Who's having their vengeance on Varos? Is it the vengeance of the Varosians upon the Galatron Mining Company? I'm not sure I buy that.
• The TARDIS can warn the crew (in an unusual and ineffective way, admittedly) about the fast return switch (The Edge of Destruction) but not that it's running low on fuel? 
• In The Day of the Doctor, we learn that the Doctor's promise to himself was to "never be cruel or cowardly. Never give up. Never give in." How come the Doctor gives up and gives in so quickly after the TARDIS runs out of fuel?
• Zeiton-7 is needed for every TARDIS yet the Varosians aren't aware of its value? Do Time Lords buy it from third-parties like Galatron or do they only get it from Varos's future?
• Who were the cannibals?
• Why is the Galatron invasion cancelled? Surely owning Varos is far more important than whatever scarce supply could be mined from an asteroid.

What's in a Name?: Planned titles for this story include Domain or Planet of Fear, but the latter was too similar to season 21's Planet of Fire.

His Constant Companion: The Doctor leaves a laser on that kills a Varosian guard. Rondel is unceremoniously shot by a guard after serving his purpose to the plot. One guard is accidentally knocked into the acidbath before pulling in his friend. The Doctor gets Jondar to kill the Chief Officer, Quillam and a guard with the death-vines.

This Reminds Me...:

• Jondar's torture is similar to the torture the Ninth Doctor will endure in Dalek.
• "Water me!" "Moisturise me!"

The Inquisitor's Judgement: Vengeance on Varos is one of my least favourite stories of Doctor Who, not because it's an atrocious mess like Time and the Rani or as mundane as Fear Her but because it's got so many genius ideas mixed with a whole lot of... unimpressiveness. The script is decent with some outstanding dialogue and Colin Baker gives his best performance yet, alongside a stellar guest cast (Nicola Bryant's fine, but I'm really not a fan of Peri), with Martin Jarvis as the Governor and Nabil Shabhan as Sil being the highlights. At this point, there's no doubt that Colin is the Doctor. The sympathetic Governor and the role of television is true genius and I can't commend Philip Martin enough. The problem with this story isn't the violence, which I think is largely a non-issue, but it's that it's not always that entertaining. A script can be as clever as you like, but if it isn't entertaining then it's missing the mark and this story is guilty of running around in circles and perhaps being a little too dark for its own good. Ultimately, Vengeance on Varos is okay and, although I wish I could rate it higher, earns itself a C.

Doctor Who (Season 22)

Attack of the Cybermen  |  Vengeance on Varos  |  The Mark of the Rani